


Crowley Explains Common (Human) Expressions

by Alfreds_Mustache



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Crowley has standards, Crowley is So Done (Good Omens), Euphemisms, Explanations, Fourth Wall, Hell, I Don't Even Know, Interviews, Mild Language, No Plot/Plotless, Pointless, Randomness, Short One Shot, Supposed to be funny I think I failed, common sayings, crowley is bored and doesn’t trust the devil, idioms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-08
Updated: 2020-04-08
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:28:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23538370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alfreds_Mustache/pseuds/Alfreds_Mustache
Summary: What’s the real story behind some of our most common expressions? Well, A.J. Crowley has some insight on the matter.*/Misery loves company./“Misery is a tit. You can tell him directly that I said that.”
Comments: 4
Kudos: 22





	Crowley Explains Common (Human) Expressions

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: If you recognize it, it’s not mine. All rights go to Pratchett and Gaiman.

**1\. Hell in a handbasket.**

“Whatever the fuck a ‘handbasket’ is, I guarantee you that no one in Hell has ever heard of them. I doubt you could fit the infinite expanse of Hell into a measly little basket; maybe the boot of a car, if you're determined.”

**2\. A snowball’s chance in Hell.**

“A little experiment from a couple’a centuries ago. It was curiosity, more than anything. Didn’t really discover anything from it in the end, just that water sizzles a bit when it steams up.”

**3\. Like a bat out of Hell.**

“Hilarious. Saw the whole thing happen, I swear. Funniest bless’d thing I’ve seen in millenia.”

**4\. You’ll have Hell to pay.**

“Technically true, depending on the situation, and whoever’s paying up front; Hell isn’t the cosmic equivalent of a cashier, no matter what those Upstairs pricks say. Thank Someone I convinced ‘em to stop their bloody tax policy. Now _that_ was a bleeding nightmare.”

**5\. All Hell broke loose.**

“Hellhounds and Raisin Bran do _not_ mix. I'll just leave it at that.”

**6\. It’ll be a cold day in Hell.**

“Hell has many cold days. Ask anyone who's been down there about the windchill of ‘53. Hell was a balmy 27 degrees, Celsius. It’s all perspective, really.”

**7\. The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.**

“Good intentions? No. That’s like saying ‘the road to _Heaven_ is paved with _bad_ intentions.’ Doesn’t make much sense that way ‘round, now does it? I rest my case.”

**8\. To Hell and back.**

“A measure of distance. A very, very long distance, mind you, but still. I mean, really, you could just as easily say ‘to Cambodia and back.’ Simple.”

**9\. If you're in Hell, don’t pitch a tent.**

“Everyone in Hell has a tent. Who’d you think thought up the idea for those blasted things in the first place? You ever tried to pitch one? Literal Hell. There you go.”

**10\. Misery loves company.**

“Misery is a tit. You can tell him directly that I said that.”

**11\. The Devil made me do it.**

“Anyone who says this is a lazy bastard who got into Hell on his own time and of his own free will. Why’s the Devil always got to take credit for everything? Last time he had a say in anyone’s personal life choices or otherwise was before the Flood. Bloody, self-righteous bastard…”

**12\. The Devil looks after his own.**

“Utterly. Ridiculous. What, did you think that _he_ gave me this Bently, or this haircut, or this _tailored suit?_ Oh _please_ , the Devil ain’t got nothin’ on me.”

**13\. Make a deal with the Devil.**

“Happens all the time. Though, really ‘Devil’ is a broad term. You can make a deal with any of us residents of Down There. All you gotta do is ask.”

**14\. Play devil’s advocate.**

“Only required in legal situations. Non-incidentally, all legal situations are Hell’s department. Do with that what you will.”

**15\. Sell your soul to the Devil.**

“Believe me, he’ll take more than that—everything, really—from you if you give him the chance. I mean, the ones selling don’t usually have much soul left in them to pawn off in the first place, now do they? Sell him whatever’s left of your soul and he’ll also take your house, your valuables, and your grandmother. (Honestly? Just don’t do it; it’s far more trouble than it’s worth, if you ask me.)”

**16\. Better the Devil you know than the Devil you don’t.**

“If you know one, you know ‘em all. And if you’re at all familiar with the High Demon himself, then he already knows your name.”

**17\. As miserable/ugly as sin.**

“Sin itself isn’t miserable or ugly. It’s rather fun, actually. Just don’t do too much all at once or you’ll burn yourself out and have to sleep it off for a couple of centuries.”


End file.
